"Good Morning God! or Good God! Morning." ... ?

It is very easy to destroy / end anything. It is difficult to construct / make something. What is most difficult is to maintain something.
- S.T.

Said over a round of drinks, little did ST realize how much sense did his words make to a first time listener like me. He probably must not even have realized that these words will stay back in my mind.

I know how easy it is to end things - not because I have ever (I am proud that I have never given up on anyone or anything in my life) but because I have seen how easily someone gives up on something or someone that is made to be so so important by the same person. I have seen the lack of will and courage in people who I most expected to reflect these qualities. I have seen how people build up something that becomes so very important to the other and then let go of it with an ease that makes you wonder whether things were ever the way they were made out to be.

I know that it is difficult to make something. Because I have. I have had faith where things have felt absolutely impossible. I have had faith when lies have stared me straight in the face and those lies have been justified with even bigger and glaring lies. Because I believe in giving people their chance or rather chances. I have had faith and a lot of patience. I have had the strength to make something worthwhile when it was easiest to leave it be.

And I know it is extremely difficult to maintain something. I know because I am trying, trying very hard, to smile when I want to cry, to converse like I always did when I just want to be silent now, to stand up and face the world when I want to break down and hide, to believe in what I see and hear when everything that I believed in now seems like one big lie, to continue with life as though nothing has affected it when everything has changed.

There are only two ways to look at all that has happened and either way I dont like the conclusion. I dont know which way do I look at this - part of me believes I am a winner because I stood my ground always, I displayed a courage and strength that I did not know I was capable of and part of me feels I have lost - because the end is not the way I imagined it would be.

Walking Away

“I know not what Love means to you or for that matter to the countless other yous who I may have met or might meet. I know what Love means to me. And when that love is challenged I know I will do whatever it takes to protect it. That’s the kind of person I am, someone who would always stand up for what I believe in, stand up for what I commit to, stand up for what I think is important ………………
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…………………………………………………………………………… I believe in happy endings. And these don’t necessarily have to be the fairy tale happy endings. They don’t necessarily mean “and they lived together happily ever after” sometimes it means “and they lived apart happily ever after”.

I look back at all the times that we have shared and I smile. I move on because I know I was true to myself and therefore to you. I lived up to all that I promised myself and therefore to you. I would do all that I did all over again if I had to.”

So she ended her letter on that note, rolled it and put it in a bottle. She stood on the deck gazing at the sea and wondered... She looked at him in the distance talking to somebody and felt her heart skip a beat, amazed that she still felt this way. He looked at her, acknowledged her presence and held her glance. She could see his eyes and the way he looked at her. She raised a toast to him, to them and tossed the bottle into the vast expanse below. With that done and a smile on her face, she walked away to an unknown but certain future.

Looking back at all the memories...

#1 (July 2, 2006)
And something happened that evening - the kind of thing that changes everything... and I wondered... questions, more questions, even more questions... maybe even a few answers... Now what?

A surprise or a shock... do I welcome this change or do I just hide somewhere? Do I take the step - a move that I have made in my mind over and over again? - What is this feeling...I know what I have to do...I make a small move and shiver..stop. Can I actually do this? Am I strong enough? Yes says a part of me... and there is yet another thought... A piano playing in the background..a mellifluous score soothing a restless soul. It might just be an act of fear.. may be a little more time & a tug of hope.. a strange faith and yet a nagging discomfort...

In time says my heart... somewhere a thought is taking shape.. has taken shape... justified its existence on ample occasions.. in time says my heart.. conviction & courage will appear & the battle between unfettered faith & a crude reality will take place.. all in good time...

Defeated

Today I know what it feels to be DEFEATED. I tried and tried and hoped and prayed probably more sincerely for this than anything else in my entire life... at times nothing seemed to be going the way I hoped it would, at times I felt that things were going to be just the way I had always hoped they'd be but I dint give up ever.

I lived on that hope, never gave up. And I knew that my faith, my belief, my honesty would make all the difference that was needed... so what if I was praying & hoping alone, the important thing was that I did not give up!

And today reality happened, to that faint & strong 'hope'. I dont think I have ever felt so helpless ever. I have never experienced defeat. I have never looked at anything in life as defeat, I have always learned and enjoyed every experience. But today I feel "Defeated". And I cant say anymore.