And the same thought yet again...

On the last day before Christmas, I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy the gifts I didn't manage to buy earlier. When I saw all the people there, I started to complain to myself: 'It is going to take forever here and I still have so many other places to go...' Christmas really is getting more and more annoying every year. How I wish I could just lie down, go to sleep and only wake up after it was over. I started to curse the prices, wondering if kids really play with such expensive toys. While looking in the toy section, I noticed a small boy of about 5 years old pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad. I wondered who this doll was for. Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: 'Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?' The old lady replied: 'You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.' Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I started to walk towards him and asked who he wanted to give this doll to. 'It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for this Christmas. She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.' I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring it to her, after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can not bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mother so that she can give it to her when she goes there.' His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy say that Mummy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that she could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister'. My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I asked him to wait until I come back from the supermarket' Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me: 'I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that she will not forget me.' 'I love my mummy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister' Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and took a few bills and said to the boy. What if we checked again, just in case if u have enough money?' 'Ok' he said. 'I hope that I have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money. The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money' then he looked at me and added: 'I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister. He heard me' 'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the white rose.' 'You know, my mummy loves white roses.” A few minutes later, the old lady came again and I left with my trolley. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car where there was one young lady and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the young lady would not be able to get out of the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy in mind, I read in the newspaper that the young lady had passed away. I couldn't stop myself and went to buy a bunch of white roses and I went to the mortuary where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place crying, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that this little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to that day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunken man had taken all this away from him.

I just read this, a forward in my mailbox. I have tears in my eyes as I think, "When you really love someone it hurts so much to see them go away."

In Full Blown Technicolor...!

Life seemed dull and unexciting on the deck; everyone just seemed to be black and white. She unlocked the door and entered… walked inside in full blown Technicolor. The ambiance changed and she kindled life into everyone, everyone wanted to share a moment with her. She had that vibe about her, a strong spark that emanated a sense of achievement, high spirit, laughter, happiness, undying passion and all things good, all things desirable! She felt good, she felt elated, she was wondering why till some time ago and now she knew… she was back, back to what she had always been. She was once again her old self. Someone she loved and missed so much and the love showed!

It had been the season for break ups – some of her close friends, some people she just knew… and she herself had parted ways with someone she loved so much! Yea it had been a season for break ups, tears, confusion but truth be told she had recovered faster than she imagined… no she dint quite fall out of love with that special someone in her life… she just accepted things as they are, wished him the best she could and moved on with more faith than ever before… She had not felt such elation in the recent months. All the worries and sadness seemed secondary… unimportant. She knew there would be someone special in her life, she would marry and have a great loving family but that was all in the future… for now she was happy with everything she had done.

There were no regrets – she knew that to plan a destiny with someone both people involved needed to be equally committed and that wasn’t the case… She wasn’t dismayed by the goodbye. She knew farewells are necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends. So she had charted her course, steered her ship and embarked on an exciting cruise! She knew what she had to do… and she was quite excited about it… she could feel a rush of power, a thrill she had longed for since long was now running through her veins… she knew that things would never be the same again.

Momentarily, she pushed aside these thoughts; resumed meeting the people she knew, acknowledged the presence of some insignificant others and slowly walked up to the window with a drink in her hand. In the distance she saw a group of dolphins dancing and prancing and smiled, she was racing ahead of everything else; everyone else and she could not help raise her glass and say “Cheers!” to acknowledge them, her and the way ahead!

Have You?

Have you ever sat next to someone – someone you love, someone you really care about, someone who you think of most of the times, someone who takes precedence in your life over all others, someone with whom you have shared your mind, body and soul; Have you? She has.

And have you spent moments of utter joy, laughter, naughtiness, spoken lines that maybe only two of you would understand??? Have you ever been hugged by that person who also told you that ‘I never want this to end?’ She has.

Have you been called one early morning by him from work and when you ask him (surprised that he called in between work!), “What are you doing?”, the most adorable and unforgettable reply that you could have ever heard is said – “I am missing you!”. Enough to sweep you off your feet and leave you in a dreamy daze! She has.

And have you ever received text messages where every message ignited passion like you have never known. A turn on yes that’s what every message has been – and you would never have thought that someone could be as passionate and mischievous in love. You see a whole new world and love it. She has.

And have you sat next to the same person – someone you love, someone you really care about, someone who you think of most of the times, someone who takes precedence in your life over all others, someone with whom you have shared your mind, body and soul; and realized that his loyalty is and has always been somewhere else. Have you felt all that you shared with him probably never meant enough to him ever? That he was always prepared to move on without you and you were too blinded by love to see that. She has.

So what, if today she sits next to the same person and feels like everything was maybe just a phase, maybe just a lie, maybe never meant to be, maybe just a fling… she is strong and knows that her honesty and loyalty and undying support will soon be his discomfort and soon her indifference will be his biggest defeat. She doesn’t want to hurt him or bruise his ego but after everything that’s been done; maybe he leaves her no other choice. She is not perfection nor does she claim to be. She reacts but she is above petty reactions, she is far too strong now to let him know that she hurts even now. She chooses to ignore or shy away rather than share her feelings with him now. She has given him one chance too many and overlooked a lot and she knows now that she has definitely had enough.

The Silver Lining in my Cloud.

“Perhaps, our eyes need to be washed with our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” – Unknown.

Yes, I have been on an ‘active think mode’ off late. I have spent endless days and nights crying over all that I deemed important and all that I no longer have in my life. But now I am seeing Life quite differently from the way I used to, clearer for sure, but quite different. I have always valued the people in my life more than anything else – sometimes even more than I have valued myself! And I have done this on more than one occasion and I have realized that it’s wrong or rather WRONG. Yes, in caps and bold and underlined and still it’s not emphasized as much I would want to.

However, the silver lining in my cloud is that thankfully in the last couple of months when I have been let down, disillusioned and heart broken; I have met / been with some really great people and when I see these people I experience a great sense of comfort knowing that there still are the better people in this world. People who are honest, loyal, committed, whose words have value; who are great human beings and are people who would enrich your life by their sheer presence. There are people you can deem as important as yourself if not more. And in my conversations with these people I have realized there is much more to life than a relationship gone sour, than the end of a good thing, than the loss of something precious. There is always a welcome change, a new beginning, growth, newer experiences, better people and better experiences to look forward to. After all when you are at the lowest point the only way to go is UP!

I regard these people as real life heroes, people who I really think are fabulous human beings for what they are. They truly represent values that mean so much to me – loyalty, passion, commitment, and all the likes. These are people who are true to everything they believe in, to all that they do and most importantly to all the people they interact with. So here it is; a tribute to some great human beings - some people who deserve more than just a mention in my blog… some people for whom I have a special wish, mentioned right at the end of this piece.

N: – A photographer by profession. The best that I have ever come across in the field. Dedication to work: more than ever expected; punctuality: inspiring; behaviour: sophisticated (more than most of the people anyone would normally expect to be sophisticated), Speech: soft-spoken; Attitude: straightforward. Caring, helpful, hard working, honest, and aware of his responsibilities and always smiling, he is an ideal that people should aspire to be as human beings. I respect this person more than I could ever express in words here.

S: – A communications personnel for a multinational by profession. Her professional expertise & achievements will take several pages to put down. She is a person I would want to work for and with. A super achiever and yet down to earth. A professional like none other I have ever come across and WOW! what a human being. A professional associate, a mentor, and above all a friend; she is truly a person who I am privileged to know. I have known her for just about 2 months now but have learned a lot from her. Coming from her a compliment means the most, coming from her a criticism is highly appreciated as it’s most constructive, coming from her an opinion is highly valued. You know her and realize what real achievers are made of, what standing on your feet truly means, what independence means, and what it means to live your life the way you want to with complete honesty. I am in truly awe of her!

S: – I don’t know her professionally. All I know about her professional life is that she works in the Market Research industry (Qualitative research as she puts it!). She is a typical Bengali when it comes to her speech – where the ‘d’ becomes the ‘r’ in every word – ‘ladki’ becomes ‘laRki’, ‘bada’ becomes ‘baRa’, etc. and I cant stop pulling her leg for it! And her reply to that is her standing akimbo and squeaking loudly “Megha!” (and nope I wouldn’t call that a scream!). She is a petite girl who is an absolute sweetheart, she is soft-spoken, always smiling, will go out of her way for you without saying a word and is just so sweet. I wouldn’t say I know her very closely yet, but there are some people you meet and realize that they are just such amazing human beings – not because of who or what they are but because of how they are. She is truly a kind human being, who values people a lot, she cares so much and so genuinely. I am blessed to have her presence in my life!

M: – She is my school friend, works in the financial sector. She has seen the ups and downs of life, struggled and made it through everything superbly victorious. She is all that a family would want in a daughter or a sister, all that a company would want in an employee, all that a friend could ask for in another friend, all that a husband could ask for in a wife. Yes, she has her flaws but well, that’s what makes her human. She has the honesty of a baby, the fickle mindedness of an adolescent and the maturity of an adult. She is my strength when I am weak and she always sees the best that there is in me. Life is comfortable (as a dear friend would put it!) knowing that she is around and always will be!

B: She is family, she is a kid sister, and she is an elder sister when she needs to be; but above all, she is one of my closest friends. Warm, caring, always smiling and cheering you up - that’s the kind of human being she is... someone you would want to know and cherish for all your life! She is a sparkling personality who would light up a room when she walks into one! I look up to her for being probably the only person I have come across who prioritizes human relationships so much so that she actually makes it a point to keep in constant touch with the people she has known as friends. She is someone who has made me realize how people are to be valued when they need to be and how they are to be kept away if and when the need arises, and all this with a maturity that never ceases to amaze me. Straightforward and bold, she is someone who can carry herself with utmost grace and extreme confidence at all times – and that to me is one of the biggest achievements for any individual in his / her life. 'B' I thank you for being all that you are to me!

And to all these people, real life heroes as I see them, here is my wish for you:

“Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

"Good Morning God! or Good God! Morning." ... ?

It is very easy to destroy / end anything. It is difficult to construct / make something. What is most difficult is to maintain something.
- S.T.

Said over a round of drinks, little did ST realize how much sense did his words make to a first time listener like me. He probably must not even have realized that these words will stay back in my mind.

I know how easy it is to end things - not because I have ever (I am proud that I have never given up on anyone or anything in my life) but because I have seen how easily someone gives up on something or someone that is made to be so so important by the same person. I have seen the lack of will and courage in people who I most expected to reflect these qualities. I have seen how people build up something that becomes so very important to the other and then let go of it with an ease that makes you wonder whether things were ever the way they were made out to be.

I know that it is difficult to make something. Because I have. I have had faith where things have felt absolutely impossible. I have had faith when lies have stared me straight in the face and those lies have been justified with even bigger and glaring lies. Because I believe in giving people their chance or rather chances. I have had faith and a lot of patience. I have had the strength to make something worthwhile when it was easiest to leave it be.

And I know it is extremely difficult to maintain something. I know because I am trying, trying very hard, to smile when I want to cry, to converse like I always did when I just want to be silent now, to stand up and face the world when I want to break down and hide, to believe in what I see and hear when everything that I believed in now seems like one big lie, to continue with life as though nothing has affected it when everything has changed.

There are only two ways to look at all that has happened and either way I dont like the conclusion. I dont know which way do I look at this - part of me believes I am a winner because I stood my ground always, I displayed a courage and strength that I did not know I was capable of and part of me feels I have lost - because the end is not the way I imagined it would be.

Walking Away

“I know not what Love means to you or for that matter to the countless other yous who I may have met or might meet. I know what Love means to me. And when that love is challenged I know I will do whatever it takes to protect it. That’s the kind of person I am, someone who would always stand up for what I believe in, stand up for what I commit to, stand up for what I think is important ………………
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…………………………………………………………………………… I believe in happy endings. And these don’t necessarily have to be the fairy tale happy endings. They don’t necessarily mean “and they lived together happily ever after” sometimes it means “and they lived apart happily ever after”.

I look back at all the times that we have shared and I smile. I move on because I know I was true to myself and therefore to you. I lived up to all that I promised myself and therefore to you. I would do all that I did all over again if I had to.”

So she ended her letter on that note, rolled it and put it in a bottle. She stood on the deck gazing at the sea and wondered... She looked at him in the distance talking to somebody and felt her heart skip a beat, amazed that she still felt this way. He looked at her, acknowledged her presence and held her glance. She could see his eyes and the way he looked at her. She raised a toast to him, to them and tossed the bottle into the vast expanse below. With that done and a smile on her face, she walked away to an unknown but certain future.

Looking back at all the memories...

#1 (July 2, 2006)
And something happened that evening - the kind of thing that changes everything... and I wondered... questions, more questions, even more questions... maybe even a few answers... Now what?

A surprise or a shock... do I welcome this change or do I just hide somewhere? Do I take the step - a move that I have made in my mind over and over again? - What is this feeling...I know what I have to do...I make a small move and shiver..stop. Can I actually do this? Am I strong enough? Yes says a part of me... and there is yet another thought... A piano playing in the background..a mellifluous score soothing a restless soul. It might just be an act of fear.. may be a little more time & a tug of hope.. a strange faith and yet a nagging discomfort...

In time says my heart... somewhere a thought is taking shape.. has taken shape... justified its existence on ample occasions.. in time says my heart.. conviction & courage will appear & the battle between unfettered faith & a crude reality will take place.. all in good time...

Defeated

Today I know what it feels to be DEFEATED. I tried and tried and hoped and prayed probably more sincerely for this than anything else in my entire life... at times nothing seemed to be going the way I hoped it would, at times I felt that things were going to be just the way I had always hoped they'd be but I dint give up ever.

I lived on that hope, never gave up. And I knew that my faith, my belief, my honesty would make all the difference that was needed... so what if I was praying & hoping alone, the important thing was that I did not give up!

And today reality happened, to that faint & strong 'hope'. I dont think I have ever felt so helpless ever. I have never experienced defeat. I have never looked at anything in life as defeat, I have always learned and enjoyed every experience. But today I feel "Defeated". And I cant say anymore.

And I Feel...

How do I feel to myself lately? Like glue holding together pieces of something that is broken, Weak glue.

...reading this over a weekend, in a book that I havent even started, I realized how much this line touched my heart, how much this line made sense to me. No this aint no love sick story, I am just a person who thinks with my heart and not with my head. Thats just the way I am. I wouldnt wana change that for anything - never! I am glad with the things that have happened with me, I have learnt from them and although I pray that things be this way or that - I know whether I truely feel this right now or no, I will always thank my Guardian Angel for watching over me!

Here I Go...

Time has always been the perfect excuse for everything... even when I thought I'd start a blog some months back. Then I did! And a post or two later it was back to square 1. And today as I was reading a blog a thought just crossed my mind... why not make a fresh start, a new blog and well create what iv always wanted to... a written testament to my thoughts, my feelings... ! So well, here I go.............!